Peak Oil Survivalist Training

With the current economic state of our country, I have decided to begin what I would like to refer to as Peak Oil Survivalist Training. This is not a training for the well educated on self-sufficient, "off the grid" living. This is for the city folk, the ones that aren't likely to survive should the need to take care of ourselves actually come to fruition. Please see listed below my options for training courses. They will be offered by appointment only, however, Thursday night works best for me. I will contact you directly with the meeting times and information. And remember, there is no shame in consuming 80% of the world's resources. After all, where would this world of producers be without the willing hands of consumers ready to buy up their products!

Peak Oil Survivalist Training 101: Persuade Your Neighbor
This training will focus on your persuasive powers. In an attempt to continue driving your gigantic SUVs and Hummers which only get roughly 8-15 miles per gallon, it is crucial that you begin convincing all of your neighbors, friends, family members and church folk to purchase economy sized cars, perhaps even a "green" one. Soon they will become accustomed to the low to the ground equality with the rest of society on the road. They will forget the days of driving 6 feet above traffic, able to seek out the fastest route due to higher-ground advantage. With all of them getting an upwards of 30-50 miles per gallon, the gas consumption will be yours for the taking.

Peak Oil Survivalist Training 102: Learn Green Speak
There might come a day when you city folk need to, how shall I say it, bum off a little solar powered energy from a greenie. This training will be focused on the art of camellion-like speech amongst the up and coming green party. You will learn the turns of phrase, the points of interest, and even perhaps a good organic recipe or two. You will want to blend in. The strategy will be to place yourselves in the midst of these so-called hippies, whenever possible. Make friends with them. They will soon be the "haves" in the world of "have nots". A perfect opportunity to practice your socializing, for instance, is when all of you are walking to your cars after a hard day of work. First you non-challantly mention how you are excited to get home and try that new flax seed encrusted tofu recipe that you read about in Mother Earth News. The key to the conversation comes when you walk past your said vehicle to stand next to the economic hybrid parked just beyond you. A slight sneer and comment towards your gigantic vehicle is helpful. Try something like, "wow I bet they love slaving away at their job just to pay for their gas". Perfect the soft chuckle that always directly follows.